Post by Goldash on Jan 7, 2011 18:47:31 GMT -5
[LONDON, ENG]: Fresh from his surprise defeat over fellow rookie Jonas Karlsson at Road to URWL Rebirth, Rally Star had much to say.
"Wasn't luck," Star claimed immediately following the match, "it was simply a case of 'superior and inferior'. Jonas is the latter. You can guess who I am." The flamboyant, arrogant Brit surprised few and upset many at the Rebirth preshow. The biggest offender, however, had to be his mouth. Just one match into his URWL career, Star is already setting his sights tremendously high.
I had a chance to sit down with Star for a brief interview at his posh East London flat. The man once titled "England's Most-Hated Professional Wrestler" enthusiastically obliged.
Goldash: Rally, you're coming off what has to be the greatest victory in your career. It was your professional debut, your North American debut, and you passed with flying colors. What must you be feeling?
Rally Star: What I've always felt.
G: Which is...
RS: ...the rush of superiority, for I am the greatest professional wrestler the world has ever seen, or will see. In mere seconds, I became the single name on every American's lips, the man who officially stole the show at Road to Rebirth. And years from now, when Road to Rebirth becomes as obscure and irrelevant as the cancelled event it preceded, my victory will be its only redeeming quality.
G: You came from relative obscurity yourself. How did it feel to instantly jump onto the American wrestling scene in such a huge way?
RS: Obscurity? Come now, Goldash, you can't be serious. You hired me because I proved myself worthy in Britain. I'm a multiple-time heavyweight champion and England's Most-Loved Wrestler...
G: Hated.
RS: ...what did you say?
G: England's Most-Hated Professional Wrestler. You know, that award you won from a British wrestling newsletter?
RS: What kind of rubbish is that? The English people love me, respect me, adore me. English women, doubly so. Although I never cared much for the Scots, Welsh or Irish, but I doubt anyone ever counts them.
G: Right. Back to my original question. How did it feel to...
RS: ...yes, that. Golden, when you step between the ropes, anything's possible. The standards I set for myself exceed the standards any company could ever set for me. So, I did what I set out to do, and that's beat that Swedish twat into submission so that my neverending entourage of groupies could have a legitimate excuse for a pants party.
G: Is that so?
RS: Since you've never been in such a situation before, I assume it sounds funny to you. With the way I look, every woman in the world lines up to catch the Star.
G: About that. Many URWL fans have questioned your sexuality. What do you say about that?
RS: Typical, myopic American ignorance. The simpletons of the West know little about the line between "flamboyance" and "homosexuality". Their insecurities befall them. Notice the praise I granted my own appearance. Well, it's true. Women identify with men like me, they instantly see someone who gets it. They'd rather see a well-dressed man of flamboyance every morning than a beer-gutted American football fan with a bald spot and a hairy back. Disgusting. I, unlike many American fans, keep my body and fashion in shape. I keep track of all the latest trends, movements and styles. Other men? They're too jealous of me, and that's why they find me queer...pun intended, of course. No, I'm heterosexual, thank you very much.
G: You can't go around dancing and parading like that without someone raising an eyebrow or asking questions. Are you losing your mind?
RS: I'm appalled you would ever think that, Goldenrod. What I'm doing has no bearing on my orientation. Flamboyance can not be sexualized. You jealous Americans are an impulsive lot, always jumping to conclusions and assuming the lowest common denomitator. Get your bleeding heads out of the gutter and use your fucking brains. Oh, right. You don't have them anymore. Your pornography, iPods and video gaming have already destroyed them. You can think what you want to think, but when I'm off winning championships, you'll have nothing left to do but respect all I've done and all I plan to do in this so-called "land of opportunity".
G: You're currently scheduled to fight a former URWL Champion, The Commander, on the re-debut of HighStakes. What are your plans for such a big match this early in your career?
RS: Commander. Well, he's certainly an impressive talent. Text-era URWL Champion, Modern-era URWL North American Champion, Former Nazi...yeah, he's certainly brilliant. Not to mention a stars-and-stripes-toting bore. Seriously, the man lost to a just-as-boring Russian cosmonaut, what does that say? I'll tell you what it says...it says "easy victory". Because Commander's down and out, Goldenashes, he's washed up, pining for the fjords. I'm not only going to defeat the bastard, but send him into early retirement. He resembles and embodies the crux of American ignorance and entitlement. I'll demonstrate how rapidly his star is falling...while my Star rises, the furious sun in the wrestling wasteland of the URWL.
G: Did I hear that correctly? "Wrestling wasteland"? Star, you're a rookie with only one win to your name. How can you possibly make such an arrogant statement?
RS: Let's see...why would I make such an arrogant statement...oh! Because it's true, that's "why"! Your champion...Jamie Elmo, is that his name? First of all, he deserves to go back to fucking Sesame Street if he ever thought THAT name would get him over, let me tell you...
G: Emo.
RS: What?
G: His name is Jaime Emo, and he just so happens to be the Champion of your new league.
RS: Oh, EMO. Goodness me, that's even worse! Here I was thinking he was some kind of furry red monster and now he transforms into this depressed fifteen year old American suburbanite! Goodness indeed, I can't believe such a person existed. Oh, and the Jewish chap he always has fun with, Seth Stern, he's a riot as well. Some spoiled rich kid from the coast who wants to be a wrestler, eh? Some life.
G: I'd be watching my back with those kinds of statements...
RS: Oh, and that's exactly why I'm making them! Everyone talks about ELMO and STONE. Bah! I'm the only one worth talking about here. And what about this Hawaiian ass whose name I can't pronounce? Ahh...can you help me here, Gold?
G: ...Akina...
RS: Oh, yes! Akina. The walking statistic. Undefeated but unimpressive.
G: I'm sorry to interrupt, Star, but he's the most versatile talent on our roster. Have you ever seen one of his matches?
RS: No, but I do remember a certain announcer's voice cracking in a certain wrestler's debut match.
G: *sigh*...will you please get to the point?
RS: I kid, boss. Next to myself and your buddy Vincent, you're the most talented announcer on the roster. Anyway, yes, the point. Akina's not worth his winning streak. He's the quintessential spot monkey. Incidentally, I plan to be bored to death watching the "battle of the baldies" at Unrivaled Ambition. !nterogative is as much a question as his name implies...a question of how low his career will stoop to! I could go on for days about how pathetically overrated everyone in this league is...Cory Jones is no legitimate wrestler. Scorpion Jones should lay off the Mortal Kombat. The Great White North are the Great White Bore. Barry White should stick to baby-making music, and so on and so forth. I'm the only one worth mentioning, because no one looks like I do, no one hits like I do...and as you saw at Road to Rebirth, no one WINS like I do.
G: Any last words?
RS: What, is this some kind of execution?
G: It may be, with everything you just said about our roster.
RS: Well, so be it. You can say what you will about me, about how much of an ego I have, about how "homosexual" I look, how I'm so "effeminate", whatever. I've heard all of it before, it doesn't affect me and it doesn't drag me down to your level. I'm somewhere above and beyond your expectation. I may be a rookie, yes, but I've always been, and always will be, a Star. I have the talent and ambition to back all of what I say in the ring, and that's why I've become dominant as fast as I have. Again, you may say what you will, but at the end of the day, the proof remains in my very own theme song, for you have NEVER seen a brighter Star.
Rally Star is out to become one of the URWL's most controversial talents in quite a while. Stay tuned to future URWL programmings to see what Star does next.
"Wasn't luck," Star claimed immediately following the match, "it was simply a case of 'superior and inferior'. Jonas is the latter. You can guess who I am." The flamboyant, arrogant Brit surprised few and upset many at the Rebirth preshow. The biggest offender, however, had to be his mouth. Just one match into his URWL career, Star is already setting his sights tremendously high.
I had a chance to sit down with Star for a brief interview at his posh East London flat. The man once titled "England's Most-Hated Professional Wrestler" enthusiastically obliged.
Goldash: Rally, you're coming off what has to be the greatest victory in your career. It was your professional debut, your North American debut, and you passed with flying colors. What must you be feeling?
Rally Star: What I've always felt.
G: Which is...
RS: ...the rush of superiority, for I am the greatest professional wrestler the world has ever seen, or will see. In mere seconds, I became the single name on every American's lips, the man who officially stole the show at Road to Rebirth. And years from now, when Road to Rebirth becomes as obscure and irrelevant as the cancelled event it preceded, my victory will be its only redeeming quality.
G: You came from relative obscurity yourself. How did it feel to instantly jump onto the American wrestling scene in such a huge way?
RS: Obscurity? Come now, Goldash, you can't be serious. You hired me because I proved myself worthy in Britain. I'm a multiple-time heavyweight champion and England's Most-Loved Wrestler...
G: Hated.
RS: ...what did you say?
G: England's Most-Hated Professional Wrestler. You know, that award you won from a British wrestling newsletter?
RS: What kind of rubbish is that? The English people love me, respect me, adore me. English women, doubly so. Although I never cared much for the Scots, Welsh or Irish, but I doubt anyone ever counts them.
G: Right. Back to my original question. How did it feel to...
RS: ...yes, that. Golden, when you step between the ropes, anything's possible. The standards I set for myself exceed the standards any company could ever set for me. So, I did what I set out to do, and that's beat that Swedish twat into submission so that my neverending entourage of groupies could have a legitimate excuse for a pants party.
G: Is that so?
RS: Since you've never been in such a situation before, I assume it sounds funny to you. With the way I look, every woman in the world lines up to catch the Star.
G: About that. Many URWL fans have questioned your sexuality. What do you say about that?
RS: Typical, myopic American ignorance. The simpletons of the West know little about the line between "flamboyance" and "homosexuality". Their insecurities befall them. Notice the praise I granted my own appearance. Well, it's true. Women identify with men like me, they instantly see someone who gets it. They'd rather see a well-dressed man of flamboyance every morning than a beer-gutted American football fan with a bald spot and a hairy back. Disgusting. I, unlike many American fans, keep my body and fashion in shape. I keep track of all the latest trends, movements and styles. Other men? They're too jealous of me, and that's why they find me queer...pun intended, of course. No, I'm heterosexual, thank you very much.
G: You can't go around dancing and parading like that without someone raising an eyebrow or asking questions. Are you losing your mind?
RS: I'm appalled you would ever think that, Goldenrod. What I'm doing has no bearing on my orientation. Flamboyance can not be sexualized. You jealous Americans are an impulsive lot, always jumping to conclusions and assuming the lowest common denomitator. Get your bleeding heads out of the gutter and use your fucking brains. Oh, right. You don't have them anymore. Your pornography, iPods and video gaming have already destroyed them. You can think what you want to think, but when I'm off winning championships, you'll have nothing left to do but respect all I've done and all I plan to do in this so-called "land of opportunity".
G: You're currently scheduled to fight a former URWL Champion, The Commander, on the re-debut of HighStakes. What are your plans for such a big match this early in your career?
RS: Commander. Well, he's certainly an impressive talent. Text-era URWL Champion, Modern-era URWL North American Champion, Former Nazi...yeah, he's certainly brilliant. Not to mention a stars-and-stripes-toting bore. Seriously, the man lost to a just-as-boring Russian cosmonaut, what does that say? I'll tell you what it says...it says "easy victory". Because Commander's down and out, Goldenashes, he's washed up, pining for the fjords. I'm not only going to defeat the bastard, but send him into early retirement. He resembles and embodies the crux of American ignorance and entitlement. I'll demonstrate how rapidly his star is falling...while my Star rises, the furious sun in the wrestling wasteland of the URWL.
G: Did I hear that correctly? "Wrestling wasteland"? Star, you're a rookie with only one win to your name. How can you possibly make such an arrogant statement?
RS: Let's see...why would I make such an arrogant statement...oh! Because it's true, that's "why"! Your champion...Jamie Elmo, is that his name? First of all, he deserves to go back to fucking Sesame Street if he ever thought THAT name would get him over, let me tell you...
G: Emo.
RS: What?
G: His name is Jaime Emo, and he just so happens to be the Champion of your new league.
RS: Oh, EMO. Goodness me, that's even worse! Here I was thinking he was some kind of furry red monster and now he transforms into this depressed fifteen year old American suburbanite! Goodness indeed, I can't believe such a person existed. Oh, and the Jewish chap he always has fun with, Seth Stern, he's a riot as well. Some spoiled rich kid from the coast who wants to be a wrestler, eh? Some life.
G: I'd be watching my back with those kinds of statements...
RS: Oh, and that's exactly why I'm making them! Everyone talks about ELMO and STONE. Bah! I'm the only one worth talking about here. And what about this Hawaiian ass whose name I can't pronounce? Ahh...can you help me here, Gold?
G: ...Akina...
RS: Oh, yes! Akina. The walking statistic. Undefeated but unimpressive.
G: I'm sorry to interrupt, Star, but he's the most versatile talent on our roster. Have you ever seen one of his matches?
RS: No, but I do remember a certain announcer's voice cracking in a certain wrestler's debut match.
G: *sigh*...will you please get to the point?
RS: I kid, boss. Next to myself and your buddy Vincent, you're the most talented announcer on the roster. Anyway, yes, the point. Akina's not worth his winning streak. He's the quintessential spot monkey. Incidentally, I plan to be bored to death watching the "battle of the baldies" at Unrivaled Ambition. !nterogative is as much a question as his name implies...a question of how low his career will stoop to! I could go on for days about how pathetically overrated everyone in this league is...Cory Jones is no legitimate wrestler. Scorpion Jones should lay off the Mortal Kombat. The Great White North are the Great White Bore. Barry White should stick to baby-making music, and so on and so forth. I'm the only one worth mentioning, because no one looks like I do, no one hits like I do...and as you saw at Road to Rebirth, no one WINS like I do.
G: Any last words?
RS: What, is this some kind of execution?
G: It may be, with everything you just said about our roster.
RS: Well, so be it. You can say what you will about me, about how much of an ego I have, about how "homosexual" I look, how I'm so "effeminate", whatever. I've heard all of it before, it doesn't affect me and it doesn't drag me down to your level. I'm somewhere above and beyond your expectation. I may be a rookie, yes, but I've always been, and always will be, a Star. I have the talent and ambition to back all of what I say in the ring, and that's why I've become dominant as fast as I have. Again, you may say what you will, but at the end of the day, the proof remains in my very own theme song, for you have NEVER seen a brighter Star.
Rally Star is out to become one of the URWL's most controversial talents in quite a while. Stay tuned to future URWL programmings to see what Star does next.
